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Welcome Back, Willkommen, Bienvenue,
Bienvenido, Benvenuto, Tervetuloa, Sveiki atvykę, Bun Venit, Chao Mung, مرحبا,
欢迎,
And other such Tautologies, you know the sort of thing – “Planning Ahead” as
opposed to what? Planning Backwards? “A Free Gift” – damn those gifts you have
to pay for yourself!
Not that Tautologies remain within our own
language, oh no. The list goes on, “Mount Fuji” means mount mount, “Sahara
Desert” AND “Gobi Desert” both mean desert desert, “Lake Tahoe” means lake lake,
“Monsoon Season” means Season Season and “a Cheesy Quesadilla” even means a
Cheesy Cheesy-thing. It makes you proud to be English, not only did we steal
countries with the cunning use of flags but we also walked all over the native
language by using their word as a secondary item to our own word and engrained
it in our national psyche. Anyway, Welcome Back in which ever language you
speak. Which brings me neatly to this weeks match against Ilkeston (sounds like
a different language to me!).
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The Meisters promise of pre-season training
(or to use a tautology “lies, damned lies and statistics”) fell about the
wayside much like Gary’s penchant for waking up on a kerb miles from home. The
talisman that is known as the 4th’s kit had obviously shrunk in the wash over
summer as we stretch and groaned our way out of the changing rooms into the
boiling hot late summer. “Digital Download”, there’s another, you can’t download
anything that isn’t digital! Honestly, this is a serious problem I’ve uncovered!
The team consisted of Nelly, Luscombe, Googoo, Cavey, Foxy, Arran, Capt Flower
(fresh from his humiliation at the player dinner in which the image of his face
was defiled by all and sundry, most memorably perhaps Mr Ireland’s genitalia –
photo’s available upon request) Tristan Poyser at 9, Finlay at 10, Dawes, new
boy No-Arms-Bran (hilarious explanation given upon request also), Freddie,
Horse, Ginger Bron, another new boy James, Reuben and of course, our very own
walking tautology, Gary I’Anson (which means an ‘inebriated dipsomaniac’ in
Hartlepool-ian).
For our first game under the new ELV law’s
(another tautology because the ‘L’ stands for Law, much in the same way as the
‘N’ in “PIN Number” is misused.) we were running the risk of confusion for both
teams, but we all collectively sighed with relief when Tosh runs on to referee,
explaining his version of the new rules.
The game kicked off and the pack grinds to a
halt in the centre of the pitch, both unwilling to give way to the other. For
the next 15 minutes, the sound of grown men slowly dehydrating could be heard
until a ball suddenly spins out quickly to the backs. Dawes passes and one slick
move later, James is belting down the wing to be tackled so close to the line,
quick thinking and Finlay dodges though to score. Converted by Arran, we sit at
7 – 0 for the rest of the half. ATM machine, there's another…. LAN Network… HIV
Virus… it’s a Tautological Explosion!
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Anyway, back to the ultimately forgettable
game… in the second half we toiled and laboured in the heat so much that at
every breakdown water was brought on. This only served into the hands of
Ilkeston’s sizeable if ageing pack. Ilkeston gain a penalty after Ellis, their
resilient 13 gets knocked out stone cold, 7 – 3. The one break Derby have is
when Tristan darts through the ranks and makes it up to the Ilkeston 5m before
being brought down but a failure to secure the ball means the Ilkeston No 8
easily picks it up and runs free & untouched for 95m – Ilkeston convert and lead
7 – 10. By now the spirit is weak, Dawes, I’Anson & Flower go off for nothing
worse than blisters (or in Gary’s case ‘Booze Bubbles’) and Ilkeston run out the
rest of the half with tired but delighted legs. There’s a place in Cumbria
between Cockermouth & Carlisle called Torpenhow Hill, which unbelievably given
the Celt, Welsh & Saxon meanings translates to Hill-Hill-Hill-Hill. I’m going to
write to the Queen!
Match Report by Colin Dawes |
