It was dark, cold and breezy, and it's seems such a long way to Ilkeston on a Wednesday night!

In a quickly-organised fixture against Old Newtonians, the Vipers commandeered the pitch at Ilkeston (to avoid affecting the Juniors training night) and Irish racked up her customary triple-figure phone bill texting round like a lunatic to ensure we had a good turnout.

To be honest, no-one understands a word of them, but it's so rewarding being woken at 3am when the texts generally arrive!

Come the second half this pattern was overturned. I don't know what was said in the Old Newts' team talk, but it certainly had the desired effect. They came out with a very strong attack and with extremely good running and handling had the Vipers pinned back not just in their half, but in their own 22 for a good 20 minutes, and with very strong loose play Old Newts' had the vast majority of possession for that time.

It is a credit to every player on the pitch that in all that time our line was not breached and we did not concede a single point. The defensive play was well-organised and very, very strong - particularly in the area of communication - against a side that now needed no invitation to exploit the smallest gap.

Eventually the Vipers were able to break out of their own half, and they managed to finish the game off with a final try making the score 29-00 at the whistle.

The overall performance was once again a step up from previous games, and this was the best performance to date. A couple of months ago we would probably have lost to a side as organised and skilful as this.

Injury honours this week go to Irish, who tore her knee open, and Lolly deserves a mention for bouncing straight back onto the pitch after taking a tackle that almost put her over the advertising hoardings!

This match also saw our first "handbags" incident - post any suggestions for an alternative punishment on the forums, as giving a Lady a handbag to carry is hardly going to embarrass them, is it?

Special mention also goes out to the supporters, we're starting to get quite a following and you are really appreciated.

Match Report and Photos by Steve Giller

Floods! All over the place. Haslams was waterlogged and unplayable, as was Coalville, and it took a crazy amount of chasing around to find what appeared to be the only playable pitch in the Midlands which turned out to be Paviours!

Suddenly we had a whole new set of problems, as this was outside the referee's area, but feminine charms (yes, women who play Rugby still have them!) won the day and we were all set.

Well, nearly all set ... none of the Ladies had ever been to Paviours, and I'm sure that those of you with experience of finding that particular ground know what's coming!

The Vipers once again upped their performance as the game progressed, and it is notable that of the 50 points that Coalville notched up not only did they have to earn every one, but half of them came in the first 20 minutes when we were down by 3 players. Everyone on the pitch pushed as hard as they could and the effort and commitment were kept at 100% right to the final whistle.

Mention must be made of Ruth's return to form, smashing through their biggest forward, and of course Sinéad "Batty" Bhatti for repeatedly trying to get back on the pitch with what appeared to be a broken leg!

The night wasn't yet over, however, as this is the now infamous night of the failed pint! Whilst deputising for a driving man of the match, Irish beat everyone hands down as usual, then coughed and fired the whole lot onto the floor. If you're on Facebook, join the DWRFC Vipers Supporters Club group to see the video!

Thanks go to Paviours both for hosting us at short notice and looking after us after the game, to our ever faithful supporter Steve and the tinies, to Messrs Leverington, Tizard and Tizard Jnr for supporting us, and finally to Coalville for an excellent game and for waiting the 90-odd minutes it takes the Vipers to get changed after the match!

On a glorious sunny, warm summer day, with bluebells blossoming underfoot and swallows darting above in the clear blue sky the Ladies gathered at Haslams where the luxury coach awaited at the end of a plush red carpet ...

OK, not quite how it happened.

It was cold, damp and overcast, but the Ladies arrived in high spirits and gathered in the sanctuary of the bar, where a valuable lesson was learned:

On Sundays, you need to go to the far end of the bar to find coffee and crisps! Why there was a desperate need for crisps, I have no idea ... coffee, tea, bacon and sausage butties of course - but crisps? You know who you are!

With a final score of 58-00, most of which was scored in the first and third sessions, on paper this looks like a beasting, but against a side that had numerous Midlands-level players the Vipers acquitted themselves extremely well. Watching the game it was clear that the team improved consistently throughout the game, and most importantly the team came off smiling.

Talk in the bar afterwards was not about losing, but about how it felt to play alongside such experienced players and how much had been learned from the game, and much praise was given by the Old Lems players.

I am certainly looking forward to the return fixture in April and an opportunity to measure just how far the Ladies have progressed. I have to admit, hopes are high.

The day started with lashing rain and generally foreboding weather, and on the drive down the Haslams I was resigned to a morning of cold and unpleasant wetness - but the gods of Rugby took pity on us, and by the time the morning's training started the rain had stopped, and the session went without a single dribble down the back of the neck!

On returning to the Clubhouse, the Ladies were starting to arrive, and with the help of a couple of screens the changing rooms were segregated so they could get ready, while yours truly shared a beverage with the Juniors’ parents in order to warm the tootsies. Meanwhile, the rain was back - had those Rugby gods deserted us?

Straight from the kickoff there was action, with Emma going off after about 5 seconds having failed to recover from pulling a muscle in the warm-up. The quality of the opposition quickly became apparent, with strong opposition to all of the Derby attacks, and the majority of the play remaining around the middle of the pitch. In the muddy, slippery conditions there were a number of turnovers, but it was Derby who managed to retain possession long enough to press forwards, eventually allowing Abi to break clear and score the first points.

Neither team managed to control the other, and Mellish were more successful than Stafford had been at keeping the ball in the forwards, but as always Derby’s support play and commitment in the loose prevented this putting them on the back foot, and from a scrum on the right, Irish broke from No.8, attacked up the blind and broke through the defence. After clearing the defence she clean through, and with both coaches shouting themselves hoarse with the advice of  “Posts, get under the posts” she stormed into the corner, stopped, looked around and placed the ball firmly on the ground.

Needless to say, the conversion was not successful, but in these conditions a kick from out on the try line was never an option – had the ball gone under the posts it might have been a different story.

Mellish really piled on the pressure from this point, and dead on halftime they gained their reward for some extremely strong and cohesive play, to end the first half 10-5.

With one of the Mellish players taken off with a bang on the head, Derby again showed true rugby spirit by offering players to retain the numbers and when the second half resumed they set about defending their lead – and what a defence it was.

Mellish were piling the pressure on, and the only way to describe Derby’s defence is awesome. Tackles were low, hard and effective, and the Mellish players must have felt they were running into a brick wall at times. Some powerful attacks that frankly looked destined to break through were smashed back, and even though there was a lengthy period when they camped on Derby’s line the heroic defending prevented a score being conceded. Debs, Red and Manda were noticeable for their tackling, but the whole team were doing their bit, and Lisa showed a hidden mean streak when she pushed herself to her feet by planting the opposing player back down into the mud!

A well placed kick through by Mellish was beautifully cleaned when Lorraine dropped on the ball and smothered it. Clearly very tired she then curled round the ball, popped her thumb in her mouth and settled down for a rest. Inevitably this resulted in a penalty and the subsequent attack was forcefully repelled.

It wasn’t all Mellish, though, and when Derby did have the ball they used it well, and when Irish grounded the ball on the line it was judged to have not been under control. The Ref must have been correct – if she’d had the ball under control it would never have been grounded that close to the posts!

Finally, from possession in the muddy midfield a long cross-field chip by Leanne was collected by Manda, and after a failed tackle the ref called “Let her up” – Mellish froze, waiting for the whistle and Manda threw herself over the line to make the final score 15-5 to Derby. 

Once again Derby Vipers had played a strong game against a team with some very experienced players, impressing the spectators and receiving very complimentary feedback from the Coalville coaches. 

Back in the clubhouse the teams took the time to eat, drink and compare wounds, and to choose their players of the match, with the Derby honours going to Irish and Manda. The reward a lovely pint of Snakebite & Black, but as Manda was driving she bottled out and nominated Lisa, who made a spirited attempt to neck it. She clearly needs more practice downing pints - feel free to buy her one anytime as long as she takes the opportunity to practice the technique!

Irish was not punished for her failure to find the posts, as there was not a great deal of time before Haslams had to close – but this is her second offence, and there are consequences lined up …  

Special thanks go out to everyone who came to support both teams on a very changeable day, to Mellish for ensuring the game went ahead by recruiting extra players, and to everyone who has helped along the way.

Particular thanks to:

Stuart for sorting the changing rooms, pitch, kit and water bottles (after I forgot them, sorry!) on a difficult day.

All the Minis and Juniors for working around the changing room arrangements.

Brian for taking another set of excellent shots and for all his work on the website.

The Bar staff for organising their cleanup so that we could have a proper drink after the match.

Welcome to another essay of strangeness – let’s see if this one can be as bad as the last ... 

The day was off to an uninspiring start, with the late arrival of the coaching staff – after arriving at the appointed time I was greeted by a feather-duster-wielding gentleman in a fetching pink apron and yellow marigolds. “I’m sorry, I’ll be with you in a second, I’ve just got to finish the housework.” I was told.

Being the helpful chap I am, I obviously sat down and watched TV.

Finally we arrived at the club to find that the wonderful folk at East Midlands Vehicle Hire had allowed us the use of their minibus for the day, so with a bus full of ladies (and a couple of coaches) we headed off down the A50 bound for Stoke. Yes, I know we weren’t playing Stoke, but with McCool and Yours Truly assigned navigation duties ... besides, it gave us extra time to listen out for the alleged dedication on Radio 1 that Animal, the voiceless wonder had promised us, and to sing some classic rugby songs, such as “Thank you Lord for making me ‘me.’” Luckily, Scouts have only relatively recently started having mixed troops, so we were spared “Ging Gang Goolie.”

With Emma at the wheel the slight detour hardly delayed us and after racing up, and then back down the A50 we got back on track, although we may ask for a different vehicle next time – this one had a strange tendency to ... ahem ... “cut out” at junctions.

Apart from the detour the journey was without incident, until about ½ a mile from our destination when we encountered a roundabout that made the old Cock Pitt island during rush hour look like Monza* but we arrived in good time.

The team talk was much more positive this time, obviously a little confidence had seeped in after last week’s sterling performance, although there was plenty of cautionary advice about Stafford being fired up for revenge after the touch game played on Lexus day. After the usual huddles, squeezes, shouts and general firing-up the ladies trotted out to warm up***, while I looked around for a trolley to assist in moving the 3cwt valuables bag.

From the kick off, Derby were straight on the offensive – that’s attacking play, not rude language – and put great pressure on the Stafford receivers, winning the ball and mounting the first attack. After one of those early nerve-related handling errors, Derby showed that they weren’t afraid to take on the opposition, crunching into contact and turning possession back over. After a few minutes of hard-fought play, with possession changing hands a few times, but with Derby consistently pushing forwards the Mighty McGinley charged over to score Derby’s first try.

Behind the posts, an observant touch judge overheard the Stafford battle plan – to play to their strengths, keep it tight and move it on with the forwards. Even without the chance to pass that snippet on, it was clear that was a plan that Derby were not prepared to allow, and they set about working to ensure that they competed against a big pack and provided quality possession for the backs to run with.

Over the course of the game the Ladies proved their mettle once again, and regularly stole possession in the rucks against a heavier pack, by a combination of technique, power and strength in numbers – I don’t recall a single time that a Derby player was left isolated. In fact, the only time a Derby player was in danger was when Katie – clearly envious of Sinead’s injury – got one of her own team to kick her in the head!

A good mixture of forward and back play brought further tries through Mitch and Red, with Leanne getting the customary hat-trick (no jug again, I notice) and with the blustery conditions making kicking extremely difficult Mitch’s sole conversion brought the Derby score to 32. You may notice a lack of comments on the Stafford score, and there’s a reason for this – there wasn’t one. Excellent defending and strong loose play meant that we have already secured our first clean sheet, and the one time Stafford looked like they were clean through a massive tackle from Amanda, one of our smallest players, saved the points, and proved that the Ladies’ greatest strength is the total commitment throughout the whole squad. 

Once again, the ladies had played with a commitment and passion that belied their “novice” status, and left the coaches stunned by a performance that had us drooling superlatives like a senile football commentator. Quite simply, it was another brilliant performance, with all of the players punching above their weight regardless of size, strength or experience.

A big relief for the coaches was that the nominations for player of the match were left to the teams – both picking a player from each side (for any Props who have learnt to read, that’s four altogether) and the prize for receiving this honour was to be presented with a yard. As both Derby and Stafford had chosen the Stafford scrum half, who was also driving, she chose to nominate. For Derby the choices were Irish and Emma. I don’t need to describe the events that followed, as they’re all on video which will be uploaded shortly.

After being fed and watered (and the coaches regretting a casual forum-based comment about beverages) it was, sadly, time to depart, so off we trotted back to the East Midlands Vehicle Hire minibus and home to Haslams. A swift one there, and then off to get prepared for a birthday night out ... but that’s another story ...

* For the ladies, that’s a very, very fast Formula 1** circuit
**For the really girly ones, that’s very fast racing cars
*** At this point a cautionary note is worthwhile – if you’re down to support us, it may be a good idea to keep young children away from the warm-up, unless you want head teachers calling you to ask where your child acquired the rather “interesting” vocabulary... 

Note: As before,  the report above is loosely based on a game that actually took place. However, the content is the product of a slightly deranged mind and as such cannot be relied upon as a true and accurate account. Anything praising the Ladies play is, of course, exact...

Relax, sit back, and prepare yourselves for possibly the most inept attempt at a match report since ... well ... not since, in fact, ever. 

With the conversion missed, Derby set about to regain their poise, and were swiftly back in the game with some strong play and good runs, but a were denied the progress they deserved by some handling errors and balls spilled from the tackle. Once again, Market Rasen took advantage of the guaranteed possession at the scrum and after moving the ball out wide to “Rocket-Girl” put over their second try. 

In the meantime, Sinead put in a tackle of such ferocity that she managed to injure her shoulder – strangely she was more concerned about getting her top off than being treated, but we all have our little ways – and while we were arranging her trip to the DRI the first quarter was called to an end. 

Whatever was said during that break, it seemed to do the trick … the nerves seemed to disappear and it wasn’t long before the Ladies were really putting into practice all that they had been doing in training.

The pack attacked in numbers, the backs used both speed and hands to make ground, and although there were still errors made it wasn’t long before Mitch went over for Derby’s first ever try.

Market Rasen rallied well, and used their experience to make gaps, eventually scoring their third, but Derby were now on a roll and were not prepared to be disheartened.

As the second and third quarters progressed, Derby went from strength to strength, their confidence growing as the time went by. 

At this point my recollection fades into a blur. Quite frankly I was simply sitting back (not literally, I was actually pacing the touchline, but you know what I mean, I’m sure) and enjoying the performance.

Ball carriers were never left isolated, and whether the breakdown was a maul, ruck or just a tackle there was always support to clear out the ruck, take the offload or drive the maul forward.

Derby were fully into their stride and tries were always going to come – and come they did …

Captain “Irish” Claire got on the score sheet, Leanne scored two, one for Red and another for Claire before Market Rasen got chance to get back into the game with their fourth.

Derby finished the third quarter with Leanne making her hat-trick (although I don’t recall the customary jug being purchased) taking the score to Derby 41 v 22 Market Rasen. 

With injuries starting to further deplete the Market Rasen numbers it was agreed to end the match at this point making this the final score – an excellent result for a first game against experienced opposition, and a thoroughly deserved win. 

Having seen the progress that had been made from those first tentative sessions on the training pitch up to the more recent sessions where the coaches were grateful not to be holding the tackle shields I was aware of the skills that the Ladies had, but a game is a very different animal and the concern was always that it would take a few games before they got to grips with it. However the spirit and bonding that the team have built so quickly was so apparent on the pitch, and the switch from training to game mode was made with barely a flicker. Of course, inexperience and nerves produced plenty of errors on the pitch, but most importantly was the reaction to those errors, which was to recover, clean up and get straight back into the game – a reaction that plenty of other teams could learn from! 

I did note that there were some lady spectators who looked like the game was tempting them to have a go at playing themselves … in the words of Kenneth Williams: “Don’t be tempted, dear – do it!” You know you want to :) 

Finally, a word to the Ladies from the Coaches – and the word is: Congratulations.

That was an excellent performance, and we’re all very proud of what you’ve achieved in a very short time. The commitment, effort and spirit you have shown, along with a desire to learn and, above all, to enjoy what you’re doing is what’s taken you so far and so quickly. Keep up the great work. 

Note: The report above is loosely based on a game that actually took place. However, the content is the product of a slightly deranged mind and as such cannot be relied upon as a true and accurate account. Apart from the bits that say the Ladies played brilliantly ...